Diary

I'm learning to sing an ABBA song. I know this isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but it means a lot to me.

Partly because my singing voice was silenced for so many years. I was firmly told I couldn't sing and my shame and shyness seemed to confirm this.

And so every time I sing it feels wonderful to know that isn't true.

The song is called "I wonder (Departure) and it was released in 1977. At that time I desperately wanted to be those young women. The fact I couldn't be them hurt me so profoundly.

The fact I wanted to be them anyway left me feeling humiliated and ashamed. I could tell no-one.

I was raining to be a nurse in those days and deeply unhappy. Soon afterwards, I left my nurse training.

In that time of my lifeI had failed to finish my PhD, failed to train to be a nurse, and failed to become a writer.

I was 27 years old. I had no idea what would become of me. All I had was the strong sense that somehow if I finished my thesis it would help me become a writer.

That was all I could do, and and so I did it, though it didn't make any sense to me.

Of course in those days I had no sense I would ever actually sing any of their songs.

And so to come to their music and sing it feels so unbelievably miraculous. Especially after everything I have achieved, as a man and as a woman. As a grandfather and a grandmother....

I feel the deepest, profoundest sense of gratitude.