Monday, April 23, 2018
A friend died last week. I say “friend” though I hardly knew them.
It is just I so wanted to know them more.
Several years ago they came out to me as trans, and I so wanted to help them.
It was difficult because they said they had given up hope. They didn’t believe it was possible they could ever be open about who they were because they felt so deeply ashamed.
I told them…I told them all the things you would tell someone in such a position. I was sure they would feel better if they could be open about who they were.
I said that in my experience the whole process of transitioning had been very difficult, but far less difficult that I had thought it would be.
It was hard to believe, sometimes, in the torment they were suffering. Because they came across as an outgoing, friendly person, always with a kind word.
But they said sometimes they just couldn’t bear to see anyone or to be seen at all.
I said I was sorry but the feeling would not go away. The only way through it is to do the one thing we are most afraid of but also want to do more than anything in the world. I said that if they decided to begin to live as a woman people in our church would support them, because I know they would.
And I said I would help them in any wayI could.
And they smiled sadly and said they didn’t think they could do that.
And then I started to see them less and less.
And now they’re gone.
I heard the news just as I was about to go on stage. I was performing with 12 other women in a remarkable and visionary art installation by Tai Shani at the Tramway. She had created a beautiful space that represented the City of Women imagined by the 14th century Cristine de Pizan. And we were to embody the free citizens of a post patriarchal future.
And so I did that as best I could.
I thought of how when I was still forced to live as a man I was at heart so ashamed that performing was completely blocked for me. Of the twenty years of struggle it took me to find my voice as a writer. Of the catcalls and the shouting and the insults and abuse that pursued me as I started to go out as a woman.
Of the women who, when last year I was awarded the award of being one of the Ten Outstanding Women of Scotland, took such a venomous pleasure in telling me I was a man. And who said that if I had a single shred of human decency in me I would renounce the award. Because it was not mine.
The hatred we face is still so real and often, too, it is lodged deep inside ourselves. I know it caused the death of my friend.
In the words of our Brazilian sisters: “Transphobia kills”.
And I so wish, my dear, I could call you by your true name. I hope at least you told someone so that it has not remained unknown for ever.
Whenever we met she, and I will call her she, she would greet me affectionately and call me “Big Bird”in the tender playful way of hers.
Fly into the kind night, little bird. Fly into the unknown darkness. I hope you come out in a safer and more loving world.
Monday, April 09, 2018
Kindness and collective creativity with Queen Jesus in Dumfries
We took Queen Jesus to Dumfries yesterday.
Dumfries is a handsome town, with a rather sad town centre full of empty properties.
Somehow it was no surprise to find our venue, The Stove, was at the heart of a community initiative for urban renewal. As well as being a crucial centre for the LGBTI community
That made it very good to be performing there. Our performance was part of an incredibly important collective effort to create a community.
And i could feel it as I sat on the first floor landing of the venue in my costume, ready for the call to begin. There was a great buzz of engaged conversation and a beautiful vibe floating up the stairs.
It was especially good to hear it, because we'd only had about 4 hours in the venue to prepare.
Queen Jesus turns up at her venues with some bread, some tea lights, and very little else.And we tailor the shape of the performance to the shape of the space.
The Stove is basically a shop that's used as cafe. We decided to put all the tables into a long line and have the audience sit at them, as if at the Last Supper. There was just about enough space at each side for me to move around, perform at either end and sometimes in the gap in the middle that we needed for the fire exit.
I operated one set of light switches, our director St Susan of the Light Switches the other. The windows were more or less covered with blinds. We had time for one stagger through, working out where I would be more or less in this performance layout we had never tried before... and we were off.
It all looked lovely. The tea lights, the candles, the daffodils in glass jars, the beautiful attentive face of the capacity audience... I felt safe and happy and I think everyone felt the same.
And we were looked after so beautifully by Leo Juniper Barrett, of Lavender Menace, Dumfries who had invited us.
It was one of those days when hospitality and kindness and human warmth and collective creativity all come together and create something especially beautiful
Thursday, April 05, 2018
What we say and what we do really matters
At the beginning of the Passion Play on Sunday, I noticed an old lady in the audience. She was walking with a zimmer, and she had a special air about her. An air of happiness and determination, somehow.
I saw her watching all the scenes in the manse grounds, and then in the Stations of the Cross going round Duddingston village.
She was there at the foot of the Cross also.
Then I became preoccupied with standing in the right place and saying the right words, and I lost sight of her.
But apparently she saw everything. And that night she phoned the minister, the lovely Jim Jack, to say it was the best Easter she had ever had.
And last night, suddenly and unexpectedly, she died.
Her name was Grace.
It moves me so profoundly to think that we contributed to her happiness on almost her last day on this earth.
And it reminds me that everything we say and do, and every human encounter we have, can have consequences far beyond what we imagine or expect.
I guess as an artist I'm especially aware of this. Aware of this as a writer - especially this week as I finish off my radio plays about death - and particularly aware as a performer. Because I am always encountering people, often without being aware of it, and these encounters have consequences.
I want the consequences to be good.
I want the art I create to make this world a better place, even in the tiniest of ways, and I want the experience of those who witness it to be positive.
We all have such a responsibility for the well-being of the world.
I feel so helpless sometimes, which is why it does me such good to hear of people like Grace.
And as Calderon says, "the good you do is never lost. Not even in dreams."
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