Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Tuesday began with me finally managing to investigate my state pension.
I have been putting this enquiry off, because it is unpleasant to admit the onset of age, and even more unpleasant to negotiate the Department of Work and Pensions criteria.
But I did not have to wait long on the phone; and the two people who answered it were pleasant and straightforward and helpful.
I found that because I am a widow, my late partner's stamps also contribute to my pension in a way i simply do not understand.
Fortunately, i do not have to; but to make the calculation, the officials needed Susie's date of birth, the date of our marriage, and the date of her death.
Finding this information threw me into a state of grief that overwhelmed me all the more thoroughly because it took me so utterly by surprise.
For a while, i simply could not think.
I could neither remember the dates nor find the way to discover them.
Susie's mum rescued me when I phoned her.
And so mid morning ended on a note of minor triumph.
Then it was off to the institute to try to discover more about Hume; engage in fascinating and random conversations over lunch; attend a lecture on the rise of photographic portraiture in 19th century France and the corresponding influence of biographically based criticism; and then back to my desk to keep discovering a voice for GOD'S NEW FROCK in prose.
Then home, and a lovely supper, and then to dancing.
This was a difficult journey, preceded by a time of fear and loneliness.
There is something about the positive energy of a Biodanza class that can make it a painful thing to face.
And as the dance began, and I began to surrender to my need for movement, to re-discover my capacity for pleasure, pleasure in my body, pleasure in the dance... I began to understand what a dark and dangerous place I have had to enter this past 6 months as I bring JESUS QUEEN OF HEAVEN and EVERY ONE to being in the world.
(A thick wodge of reviews arrived the other day to remind me just how exposed I have been)
And to slowly open myself up to that space where, even if only just for that moment, I could know myself fully accepted, was hugely healing somehow.
And as I review all the various textures and places of this day's journey i feel profoundly grateful for its richness.

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Comments:
Sorry I couldn't go to bio-danza, John was out. So I missed you. I haven't been now for 5 weeks or so. I'm slightly scared to go back because I know what you mean by it being a painful experience. But what I worry about is that last time I went I felt I was spoiling the energy for everyone else by my sudden downer. And it left me in a turmoil of feelings which led me into a correspondence with the Samaritans.
I don't know if it was a good thing to be re-opened like that. I have a lot of stuff re-surfacing at the moment because of being a parent but having crazy adolescent feelings.
I am reading Deaf Culture at the moment. There's a fascinating chapter on how deaf people used very early film to promote, record, and educate people about sign language at a time when people, such as Alexander Graham Bell, were trying to put a stop to it's usage, believing that it would cut deaf people off from the world. Even though the same people promoted educating deaf children all together in institutions, under rigid regimental style, cut off from the wider community. A lot of deaf people were taught orally and not allowed to use sign language, even to clarify and explain lessons. Like it was shameful or because they shouldn't be taught to rely on signs as hearing people wouldn't understand them. But you can and are capable of understanding and learning it. It's a beautifully expressive language full of humour as well. Oh, dear that's a long comment, Jo dear, but I've not been in touch for a while. Have been having some issues with our eldest boy who has Attachment Disorder. Lots of love to you. xx
 
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