Tuesday, December 23, 2008

23rd December 2008
The day before yesterday, I lost my pen.
I thought it fell under the bed. In the side against the wall.
I pulled the bed out, with some difficulty, because it's a bit jammed in, and couldn't see the pen at all in the heap of dust covered junk that I found there.
I was sorry to lose the pen. So yesterday, I pulled the bed further out and brought down a rubbish bag and started to clear away the rubbish.
Among all the junk were several pairs of my late partner's shoes.

And that is why that space had been untouched so long.

I so loved Susie's feet: they were small and graceful and intensely beautiful.

Of all the horrible things in the long painful process of her dying was what i could feel in the last days, when she was unconscious, and the breath was rattling in her throat; the slow loss of warmth and life in her feet.

And that was why I could not bear to throw out her shoes after she had gone.

And I could not bear to look under the bed, for all the grief and sadness stored there.

And now the place is cleared and clean, i feel better somehow.

I think I slept more peacefully last night.

And I found the pen. I had carefully wrapped in the cover round my tarot cards.

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