Sunday, October 05, 2008

5 October 2008

Today I did the strangest thing. Strange for me, at least. I joined a church.

The Metropolitan Community Church of Edinburgh has two new members, and I’m one.

I was thinking afterwards: “But I’ve never belonged to anything before”
And then I thought of the lovely Buddhists. Of all the amazing people I’ve met in and through Biodanza. Of the theatres I’ve worked in. Of the Drama School I’ve worked in. Of the church we went to when we lived in Roslin.

And yes, I have belonged. But on another level I’ve always run away from organisations, because I’ve always felt, or always known that they would never allow me to become myself. And what’s different about this one is that I’ve joined it formally to become me. In the fullest sense as a spiritual being.

A little voice says: this may well be very foolish.

But I’ve known for so long that the spiritual side of us as human beings is so important. And I’ve tried to write all my plays in the awareness of this. And I know that although we have to develop our spiritual sense alone, up to a point, this is something that also needs to happen collectively. And I know that much as I love the teachings of the Buddha, there is something missing for me in them.

And I know... and as I sit here thinking of this, so much floods up.
So much, it will take a lifetime to explore it.

And all the reasons that I could think of not to take this step were all negative. To do with feeling I hadn’t served my time. I hadn’t shown enough commitment. I wasn’t good enough. I wouldn’t be accepted. I was scared...

Something happens to us, I think, those of us who grew up feeling we didn’t belong. Didn’t belong to the men, didn’t belong to the women. Didn’t belong anywhere.
Our whole beings can shrivel under the weight of that.
And it so matters to get out there and contradict all that as best we can.
Whatever happens.

And if I really think about it, maybe what clinched the whole thing was the fact that the Rev. came to my house and drank my tea. And listened to me, and allowed me to listen to him. And laughed. He has a good laugh. My heart warms to it.

I think maybe in the end that is why.
And maybe that’s a bit frivolous.

But more probably not.


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