Tuesday, November 20, 2007

20th November 2007
I remeber soon after Susie's mum became a widow, she had the greatest difficulty coping with what foir most of us are simple things of life.
She had never travelled a long distance on a train alone, for instance: and didn't really know how to set about it.
I remember being a bit horrified at the time; but today it occurred to me that after 33 years with Susie, it is still quite difficult for me, in terms of managing my life, even if in perhaps more subtle ways.
And that this trip that I'm currently engaged on (seeing an old friend in Brighton) is part of a complicated process of re-discovery. Discovery of how to spend my life, in the knowledge that the same old ways simply will not do.
It's a strange sensation, I trip over a lot, simple things can become very complicated: but how incredible a joy.
Particularly when allied to changing gender.
Last night, for instance, when I went out to eat, the young woman who showed to my table said, "Hello, sir"; whereas the man who brought me my pizza said "Here you are, signora".
This afternoon on my way back from lunch, 2 "madams" in M and S; no end of "miss"es or dears or loves from the Big Issue sellers and I come home in the sense that every encounter, however apparently trivial, is a rather wonderful adventure.
And that the whole obsession with "passing" which so preocupies many of us, and which endless books and articles on "passing as a real woman" try to exploit, is actually a total waste of time.
Because it really doesn't matter: the crucial thing is that people are nice to me.
As they are. Almost all the time


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