Monday, November 19, 2007

when I'm in rehearsal, I always intend to keep a diary.
But never do.
Life is lived so intensely in the rehearsal room: so much changes, so much is lived through, so much happens.. and then when I get home afterwards life keeps going on, as it does, in its intense ever changing way. Though a whole day of it will be squeezed into a few hours... and my dear self gets so preoccupied with trying to process all these events that there is never any room or energy left for writing about them.
The same has been happening to me lately.
So many profound changes, so much intensity in events that I have not had the space in my brain to describe them.
But the irony is that it is precisely at these times, times of radical and important change, that you really most need to be able to record and document them...
But to come to understand, to come to truly understand, that it is absolutely safe for me to wear a skirt out in the world is like saying it is absolutely safe for me to BE in the world. And that is maybe the most profound change of all.
Everything has shifted as a result.
And then i seem to have been waiting for weeks and weeks to sort things out with the surgeon in Thailand to see if he will accept me for the SRS operation.
And am still waiting.
And it is difficult to concentrate on anything else while this is still in suspension.
Although today it does not seem so important. I am who i am and I am on the journey I am on. Surgery or not.
I have done all I can for now and there is little else I can do.
Except wait; and live in the process; and enjoy the process of living through it.
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