Monday, June 18, 2007

Monday 18th June
Sleeping badly again.
I stopped sleeping when Susie fell ill.
We were told she could die at any time. In fact, she died after six months.
But it made sleeping difficult.
She couldn't sleep often, and would pad about, very wobbly because the motor section of her brain seemed to be one of the parts effected. Often she would come upstairs and sit in this upper room where I'm writing this.
(And then when i was ill, and couldn't sleep, I would find myself doing the same)
Soon after she died I would dream she was still alive and found this so unbearably painful when i woke up again that maybe I was trying to stop myself dreaming.
But when i dream of her now I am glad to.
Yesterday at a dance workshop they played the Burns song "Ane fond kiss" which I left her listening to the last time I saw her conscious.
This was in the hospice, where she stayed the last 6 weeks: it was always horribly difficult to leave her at night.
That night she gave me a clumsy kind of hug, and I didn't really respond too warmly. i was just too exhausted to.
I still regret this, and when I heard the song I completely collapsed. I cried and cried and cried and felt in a state of shock for hours afterwards.
Which is maybe why I slept so badly.
And tonight, who knows. The nights all tend to be something of an adventure.

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