Friday, June 15, 2007

15 June 2007
I remember now: when I was last here I was still 'John'
A few months later, I went to a Dance Workshop one weekend.
It was in between being at 'Celestina' rehearsals in Birmingham and going to rejopin my family on holiday in Portugal.
There's an exercise in Biodanza where you split into pairs. One lies down while the other sings their name into their body as a blessing.
I went with a very dear man I was very fond of. And when it was my time, I lay down and closed my eyes and he started singing "John... John..." very gently and lovingly.
And I felt at a level much stronger and deeper than conscious "That is not my name".
And I began singing my new name to myself: "Johanna... Johanna".
It was all rather uncanny and I didn't want to talk about it.
I went off on what was to be our last holiday together.
Later, when we all knew Susie was dying, I remembered this experience.
I'd had another similar experience that September, as I lay awake one night, with Susie ill and dying in the room next door.
I was in fear and anguish, and it was as if a voice said...
But it wasn't in words...
What I understood was that the female part of myself, of which I had always been so deeply ashamed, and so profoundly fearful, was in fact a good energy.
Wholly good...
That I needed to trust this energy, because it (She) would help me through this terrible time and help me rebuild my life.
And that's when I started to become Jo.

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