Thursday, June 14, 2007

14th June 2007
I've just been reading my last post... in March 2004!!
I feel utterly discombobulated.. my partner Susie must have been still alive.. in fact not even ill.
She had her stroke at the end of June, seemed to be getting better, was ill again in August, diagnosed with a brain tumour on August 13th. They said she would probably die very soon.
She lived six months...
Died at the end of February 2005.
Is that right? And then what happened...
I wrote FAUST PART ONE, FAUST PART TWO, translated THE FORCE OF DESTINY, wrote THE WORLD for my students...
FAUST happened in January 2006.
I went to Greece that March. I felt my grief was healing.
In June 2006, I started to feel the intensest fear.
A valve in my heart was badly leaking: and the fear was happening because I was entering heart failure.
On the waiting list for heart surgery until October.
October 15th, 7 hours open heart surgery.
Recovering.. and then about a fortnight later poisoned by warfarin. I had been proscribed far too much and my blood was 9 times thinner than it should have been.
Bad internal bleeding: 2 and a half litres of bloody fluid had to be drained from my chest.
And only now beginning to feel as if I am recovering...
and perversely thinking seriously of Sexual reassignment Surgery to help me search a new identity.
And I have lived through all this...
That entry probably marks one of the last months I actually slept properly...
HOW CAN I MAKE SENSE OF ALL THIS??
Perhaps through keeping this blog.....


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